1. Original: For example, Borre, a leading
researcher at the Laboratory of NeuroGastroenterology in Cork, Ireland, notes
improvement in patients with gluten-induced rheumatoid arthritis—a disease
normally thought to be permanent (514). Revised:
For example, Borre, a leading researcher at the Laboratory of NeuroGastroenterology
in Cork, Ireland, provides evidence that avoiding gluten cures diseases
normally thought to be permanent when he notes that many patients with gluten-induced
rheumatoid arthritis (a permanent disease) improved when they eliminated gluten
from their diet (514). Commentary: I
changed the sentence to show the purpose of the example.
2. Original: According to Hadjivassiliou, a researcher at the Royal
Hallamshire Hospital’s Department of Neurology in Sheffield, UK who specializes
in the connection between gluten-related disorders and neurological disorders,
gluten-related disorders affect up to 9% of the population (2010, 327). Revised: Hadjivassiliou, a specialist in the connection between
gluten-related disorders and neurological disorders at the Royal Hallamshire
Hospital’s Department of Neurology in Sheffield, UK, reports that gluten-related
disorders affect up to 9% of the population (2010, 327). Commentary: I changed how I worded part of the sentence and added a
more descriptive word to show the purpose of the sentence.
3. Original: Hadjivassiliou notes that the new discoveries apply only to
blood tests and include examining not only a person’s DNA, but also recognizing
the presence of IgA antibodies in the blood (2004, 580). Revised: Hadjivassiliou
describes these recent discoveries when he reveals that the new tests examine
both a person’s DNA and detect IgA antibodies, which form in response to
ingested gluten in people with gluten-related disorders (Hadjivassiliou (2004) 580). Commentary: I used a more descriptive
verb, added why IgA antibodies are indicators of a gluten-related disorder, and
moved the part about blood tests to the next sentence.
4. Original: Bengmark remarks that three
main tests are used for determining if one possesses a gluten-related disorder:
a blood test, a gastrointestinal biopsy, and a cheek swab. Revised: Bengmark asserts that three main tests are used for
determining if one possesses a gluten-related disorder: a blood test, a
gastrointestinal biopsy, and a cheek swab (112). Commentary: I used a more descriptive word.
5. Original: Hadjivassiliou notes that blood tests, gastrointestinal
biopsies, and cheek swabs examine a person’s DNA for the presence of one of two
different genes—the two different genes corresponding to the two different
types of gluten-related disorders (2004, 580). Revised: Hadjivassiliou
explains that blood tests, gastrointestinal biopsies, and cheek swabs examine a
person’s DNA for the presence of one of two different genes—the two different
genes corresponding to the two different types of gluten-related disorders
(2004, 580). Commentary: I used a
better descriptive word.