Post 12

1. Original: For example, Borre, a leading researcher at the Laboratory of NeuroGastroenterology in Cork, Ireland, notes improvement in patients with gluten-induced rheumatoid arthritis—a disease normally thought to be permanent (514). Revised: For example, Borre, a leading researcher at the Laboratory of NeuroGastroenterology in Cork, Ireland, provides evidence that avoiding gluten cures diseases normally thought to be permanent when he notes that many patients with gluten-induced rheumatoid arthritis (a permanent disease) improved when they eliminated gluten from their diet (514). Commentary: I changed the sentence to show the purpose of the example.

2. Original: According to Hadjivassiliou, a researcher at the Royal Hallamshire Hospital’s Department of Neurology in Sheffield, UK who specializes in the connection between gluten-related disorders and neurological disorders, gluten-related disorders affect up to 9% of the population (2010, 327). Revised: Hadjivassiliou, a specialist in the connection between gluten-related disorders and neurological disorders at the Royal Hallamshire Hospital’s Department of Neurology in Sheffield, UK, reports that gluten-related disorders affect up to 9% of the population (2010, 327). Commentary: I changed how I worded part of the sentence and added a more descriptive word to show the purpose of the sentence.

3. Original: Hadjivassiliou notes that the new discoveries apply only to blood tests and include examining not only a person’s DNA, but also recognizing the presence of IgA antibodies in the blood (2004, 580). Revised: Hadjivassiliou describes these recent discoveries when he reveals that the new tests examine both a person’s DNA and detect IgA antibodies, which form in response to ingested gluten in people with gluten-related disorders (Hadjivassiliou (2004) 580). Commentary: I used a more descriptive verb, added why IgA antibodies are indicators of a gluten-related disorder, and moved the part about blood tests to the next sentence.

4. Original: Bengmark remarks that three main tests are used for determining if one possesses a gluten-related disorder: a blood test, a gastrointestinal biopsy, and a cheek swab. Revised: Bengmark asserts that three main tests are used for determining if one possesses a gluten-related disorder: a blood test, a gastrointestinal biopsy, and a cheek swab (112). Commentary: I used a more descriptive word.

5. Original: Hadjivassiliou notes that blood tests, gastrointestinal biopsies, and cheek swabs examine a person’s DNA for the presence of one of two different genes—the two different genes corresponding to the two different types of gluten-related disorders (2004, 580). Revised: Hadjivassiliou explains that blood tests, gastrointestinal biopsies, and cheek swabs examine a person’s DNA for the presence of one of two different genes—the two different genes corresponding to the two different types of gluten-related disorders (2004, 580). Commentary: I used a better descriptive word.